venting, trigger warnings
you know what. my life is perfect. im a white, spoiled beyond belief middle class girl with good grades according to society (ive got 19,85 20,0 is the average to become a doctor), im pretty, im moving to new york in three months, ive got a lot of money, ive never been bullied, ive got two jobs which im good at and i DONT HAVE A REASON TO HATE MYSELF
but i do. i cant see anything good with myself. you wanna know why? because even though my life is as good as it is. theres always someone better than me. someone prettier. someone with better grades. it just makes me feel so god damn small. finding out my average grade almost gave me a panic attack. because im a GOOD STUDENT. but then please explain to me my B’s, my C’s and my fucking E’s! explain to me. thats not the grades a good student gets. im crying.
when i was six i wanted to loose weight for the first time. i was six. i still cant sit so far back on a chair that my thighs are touching the seat. i cant walk without sucking my tummy in. it takes me at least half hour to choose my outfit for the day and i still almost cried walking to school. i cant do anything without sucking in my tummy. when walking in shorts i walk softer so i wont make my thighs jiggle. its so hard to continue eating whenever someone comments on my habits. I CANT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT SUCKING MY TUMMY IN.
i hate myself for so many reasons and ive got no reason to do so
See Post #oreimo #anime #guess whos finished season one of oreimo #and has started on the second and is six episodes in #and has also finishied watching hamatora #i have #my anime game is starting to get hella strong again
i graduated yesterday and the crippling anxiety of the fact that i have no idea what to do with my life is currently very bad, oh well…
but something thats soothing my existential crisis is the 3000 pounds i got from mum and dad as well as the 425 i got from grandma and grandpa so rn ive got around 7000 pounds im allowed to do w/e i want to with when i count in what ive saved myself, thats sweet and ill earn 3890 more by the end of summer from one of my summer jobs and the other one ill prbly also earn quite a lot but im not running on a schedule there so if ive made the correct calculations, i prbly havent, ill have around 12690 pounds by the end of summer
if i cant be mentally stable its at least nice that im financially stable and still living at home